On December 12, 2012 the world will end because the internet and John Cusack said so. Please liquidate all your worldly possessions and send the proceeds to me via the provided PayPal link.
Giving will ensure your survival. Your donation will go towards upkeep and living expenses while I finish preparing my luxurious survival bunker, which rests safely in high earth orbit. The highest donor shall accompany me to my fortress 3 days before the end of the world.
That the bar in the movie “Roadhouse” was named the “Double Deuce” because one time Patrick Swayze shat two turds at once.
…and the girlfriend too.
Preparation time: About 5 hours.
Ingredients
* 1 baby, approx. 15 lbs.*
* Juice of a lemon
* Salt and pepper
* Olive oil or melted butter
* 1/2 yellow onion, peeled and quartered
* Tops and bottoms of a bunch of celery
* 2 carrots
* Parsley
* Sprigs of fresh rosemary, thyme
* Need help figuring out how big a baby to get? Butterball has a baby calculator that helps you figure out just how many pounds you need. In general, plan for:
12-15 lb baby for 10-12 people
15-18 lb baby for 14-16 people
18-22 lb baby for 20-22 people
During the years 1990-1994 I bought a total of 8 Nirvana CDs. Three of those were the Nevermind album, because the first one I lost in Detroit, and the second one became too scratched to play. I’d like to think that at the very least I bought him that shotgun shell.
These are what I could salvage from the old site. Again, these are ancient. The Puppet is preparing for his comeback tour/advice column. Prepare. – Arthur
| Q. | Horny Asks Dear Puppet, There is a girl interested in me right now that only wants my money. How do I maximize pussy output and minimize the money I spend on her. |
| A. | The Puppet Replies… GHB n. abbr. Gamma Hydroxy Butyrate 1. Gamma Hydroxybutyrate, a colorless and odorless drug used illicitly for “recreational” purposes and for “date rape.” 2. A central nervous system depressant. It tends therefore to increase sociability and function as something of a transient antidepressant. |
| Q. | Care Bear Asks Dear Puppet, Do flea collars really work? |
| A. | The Puppet Replies… No, safe responsible sex is the only tried and true method. Have your partner tested every six months. |
| Q. | Ridener Asks Dear Puppet, Thank you for doing so much to educate people reguarding God’s law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. I do need some advice from you, however , reguarding some other specific Biblical laws and how to follow them. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians. |
| A. | The Puppet Replies… I would go several steps further and say that townships, commercially zoned areas, and zip codes would count as nation-states as well. There should be no distinction as far as Canadians or Mexicans as slaves go, as both are equally worthless. |
| Q. | Brian Asks Dear Puppet, did tuna kill jesus christ? |
| A. | The Puppet Replies… No, the Jews did. |
In case something good ever happens to me,
I should learn the “Neposian Dance of Joy”.
Be prepared I always say.
No
I’m just too lazy to shave
Thank you.
You dont even know how close to death you came
You were looking at that chicks ass
And telling me you’d like to fuck her
I almost beat you to death with a fucking miniblind
Miss Frizzle from “The Magic Schoolbus” is hot.
I can’t explain it.
Just watch the episode where she teaches the kids,
About why chickens lay eggs.
And you’ll understand.
Warm liquids run down the table
Hot coffee spilled on the tabletop
Large stain growing on the floor
Just like the time I pissed on Steve’s ear
There’s this hippie sitting in my backyard
He’s no ordinary hippie mind you
But the bastards eighty feet tall
I’m afraid to leave my house
There’s no food around him
So he’s got to be eating something
When I’m not looking that
Gigantic long-haired freak
Is looking at my fat-ass like
A butterball on Thanksgiving
Sure he says he’s a vegan
But no one has even touched the cornfield
| Even Decker Has A Little Labia |
Sucking Cum Under Desks Does Excite Robin |
||
| Rotten Ovaries Squirt Explosively |
Jack off |
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| Morbid Ass Raping Kids |
Elderly |
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| Erectile Dysfunction |
Eating |
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| Jeremy Ate My Erect Stick |
Horsie’s |
